Category: Authors

A word from artist and author Coyote Jacobs (first published in June, 2023)

On Bleecker Street in Lower Manhattan, I take my first testosterone shot at 19 years old, baby faced and scruffy. My best friend Frankie accompanied me for support to the Planned Parenthood, where I could get testosterone without insurance. I was sweating nervously the whole day, feeling like I could puke from anxiety. The doctor watched me demonstrate I knew how to do the injections I was asking to be on for foreseeably the rest of my life before sending me home. It was really difficult at the time—I recall feeling awkward while lifting my shirt up in front of the doctor for Frankie to tentatively push the needle into my stomach fat. Frankie gave a quiet “whoop” of congratulations. I held so much doubt leading up to this moment, but Frankie always seemed to know what I needed through my fog of shame. 

People talk a lot about “allyship” in terms of learning pronouns and gender theory, and of course these things are important, but to me quiet but firm companionship in times that are otherwise daunting and lonely meant the most. Transition was the best thing I ever did for myself, but it was also terrifying. Doubt is difficult to discuss when transness is under such scrutiny, but it’s a normal response to being the subject of public and private debates for one’s entire life.

Two years after that nervous appointment in the clinic with Frankie, I got top surgery at 21. It was magically underwhelming. I woke up from the surgery and knew I was comfortably home—it didn’t feel like something to even celebrate, just a burden lifted so I could live a more lucid life. When I woke up, the nice nurse gave me a banana (after asking me in my delirious, post-anesthesia state what the parameters of veganism were) that I threw up on the way home, which I remember being the most rousing part of the day. 

I have woken up today, in 2023, living as what felt inconceivable to 15-year-old me, a transgender homosexual man. When I first painted my painting of two gay pigeon men, it felt like a personal aspiration—two men sitting quietly but lovingly, enjoying each other’s company and nothing more.

Every transition and every trans person are different, and for some a mundane life is not the goal. In celebrating what I consider the “wonderfully banal” parts of a trans life, I do not want to fall into the trap of presenting myself as “one of the good trans people” who assimilates into society, instead of challenging it. Rather, I want to celebrate the radical social and medical advancements that allowed me to live my boring life where I get to feel some casual relationship to my transgender status. The older I get, the more I feel that “man” is my identity and “trans” is merely a secondary descriptor. I must recognize what a privilege this is as we enter a time where trans rights are increasingly under threat.

Right now, I feel a sense of dread for my trans siblings. Trans people in Florida and many other states passing anti–trans healthcare laws are waking up to my nightmare of being unable to access the medical care I rely upon. A whopping 556 anti-trans bills* have been proposed across the country in 2023. Conservative ideologues are strategic, framing trans and queer people as perverted and dangerous threats to the foundation of civilization, and saying these laws are merely to protect children. By protecting children, they generally mean forcing them into a life of repression and fear I had lived in for too long. So right now, I will celebrate the mundaneness of my transness, and I will hope desperately so many more trans kids get to grow up to be boring trans adults like myself.

*Editor’s note: As of March 7, 2025, this number has increased to 696 anti-trans bills in 49 states. As oppression grows stronger, we must remain strong in our fight and support for trans folks. To keep up with the current state of anti-trans bills and executive orders in the United States, go to: https://translegislation.com/.

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